Retreat March, 2000

Oranges make me giggle when its summer and the juice squirts in my eyes, when all I want are oranges I crave them. You know what’s perfect? Orange juice in the morning. When I’m comfortable I don’t want to move, like a sloth. Who says that’s wrong? Sloths are beautiful. And if I don’t move I’m still alive. I’m still okay. 

This Monday I remember that this time soon will end. I remember my life, my outdoor voice that soon would unfold. Last Friday I found myself touched by life by me. I found my inside voice, the real me. This place, this time, I have belonged more than ever before. I am home, I am happy and I am healed. It’s not easy being 16 but my road has smoothed. It’s funny how one week can change your direction. This week opened my eyes. This is what I enjoy and you are who I like.

This Monday it came to me the closing of this journey and I am sad to go home to my friends who won’t listen. Teenagers are self-involved. They don’t understand and I long for just one moment for someone to hold my hand. For my friends to see me and accept and believe. Judgement is so harsh but I can handle that. I am sad to be in a place where no one opens their heart. I am tired of hearing about your high school romances. There must be more inside. One dimension makes me cry so I pretend there is one more. Someday you might show me your soul.

I had a blanket I used to lie on when I was a baby. My Nana would wrap me up in it and cuddle me. I love to be cuddled. I lost that blanket. Probably packed in someone’s baby clothes box. My Nana loved me. I don’t really like my blanket now but I know it’s one of those you don’t miss ‘til it’s gone. I didn’t miss my grandparents until they were gone. Now everywhere I go I look for their smell. Make-up and baby powder. When I was in third grade I lost my baby brother not yet born but close. Whenever the wind blows I know its him. I once did cartwheels around his tree. Sometimes I just go and talk to him and tie flowers on his branches. I always wanted a brother. When he died I cried. It was Valentine’s Day that we found out and all my love poured out.