Blog: My Sabbatical So Far

For those who weren’t with me in the February Zoom, I announced that I would be taking a break—a sabbatical. I had been feeling it coming on for quite a while but honestly didn’t think it prompted action until suddenly I knew I couldn’t find the truer next stage without actually stopping. Concerning life decisions, my Sufi teacher Adnan Sarhan used to say, “Go where there is no doubt.’ I discovered, once he pointed it out, that ‘no doubt’ is not hard to experience. In the heart, ‘no doubt’ is clear.

I took stock. During the recent couple of years, I had gotten us through Covid on zoom. I had published a book, a lifework about this Path. Both were fantastic and also a push. When I looked at a larger frame, I had offered teaching and retreat ceaselessly for over 30 years, and I had designed and overseen the building of a retreat sanctuary (while recovering from major surgery.) Huge undertakings. 

It was time to pause. To soak, to float, to be carried.
I needed to stop deadlines.
I needed a period where my days could organically unfold.
I needed to focus on my health. (I’m basically okay but I had been pushing beyond what is good for me.)
I needed to let my well fill.

Things that have finally come to the fore:

Learning to Eat
I am learning to eat. Mindfully. Of course I have studied this in the past but  mostly done it a little at retreat—a very little. And almost not at all in my daily life. It is surprisingly difficult. It is a practice. It happens on and off several times a day. Honestly, I am surprised I have not taken eating seriously, but in my Sufi training I engaged in the food elements as purification of diet and a consideration of fasting, not simply an awareness of what happens when I open my mouth—or especially before I open my mouth—and put food on my tongue. 

Now, much has been said and written about all this. I have nothing new to add on the topic itself. However for me now, there is no question that learning to eat mindfully has brought me back to the beginning of my embodiment. It tangles with how extraordinarily unconscious my day-to-day actions are. How patterned. How invisible. 

I have no self criticism here, nor am I vaulting toward a lofty goal. I am simply trying to unwind, to rest, to come home to myself and this little thing—eating—pops up everywhere. A seed. A weed. 

My Body
I am prioritizing my body. Those of you who know me may think I have been doing this all my life. But now I turn…Here I am right now…
My body is so very very me. So personal. Not an instrument of art, spirituality, performance. For me, not for others. My body is my sleeping and waking, laughing and tasting. 

My personal body is at the top of my list. What do I do? I strength train very regularly because as I age I get weak quickly—weights, machines, elliptical machine, walks. I do a little Dancemeditation. I have lost 30 pounds and my joints thank me. 

My Path
I allow myself to wonder about it again. To live my day organically and with more awareness. To savor happiness. To unravel fear rather than feed it. To enjoy the shortening years. To be an artist. 

So far this is what I have come to.